To the baby we never got to meet.

To the baby we never got to meet,

but who already touched our hearts.

We were so excited (and surprised!) to learn of your existence.

You came into our lives so effortlessly,

like you were always meant to be,

and then just like that.. you were gone.

We couldn't wait for M to become a big sister.

She has such a big heart and so much love to give,

she'd have absolutely adored and doted on you.

While we were a bit apprehensive about having two under two,

we knew you would be worth all the chaos.

We were so looking forward to spending this Christmas as a family of four.

To watching you grow up alongside your sister,

thick as thieves, a bond unbreakable.

We were going to announce your existence on Mothers Day,

because what better time to announce to the world that I am now a mother of two!

Unfortunately the Universe had other plans,

but that doesn't change the fact that you will always be our baby.

That you will always be loved wholeheartedly. ❤️

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Our Story.

Shortly before my first ultrasound, I noticed a small amount of spotting. I had spotting all through my first trimester with M so I didn't really think much of it. To say we were blindsided when the scan indicated a possible early loss is an understatement. The simultaneous pain, fear, helplessness and hope we felt over the next two weeks we had to wait for (what we already knew in our hearts was) confirmation of a loss was a combination of emotions unlike any we have ever experienced. It was paralysing, all consuming.

I tried so hard to remain present in the moment, grateful for my many blessings, but my mind always wandered to the "what ifs".. the "why me?".. the "why now?".. the "what am I supposed to learn from this?" scenarios bouncing around in my head.

What I did learn is that 1 in 4 women and their families will go through this pain at least once in their lifetime. However, despite how often this occurs, you will rarely ever hear about it.

I know so many families personally that have been through this heartache before, many behind closed doors and without the support that we have had. I cannot imagine how painful it must be to go through something this big alone. To hold a place in your heart for a child only to never speak their name.

So here I am, sharing our story, in the hopes it makes someone else out there feel that little bit less alone in their torment. You are strong, you are deserving, and you are most certainly not alone. Please reach out for support where you need it, in whatever way you need it, and do not feel as though you need to hide your pain because you don't feel your pain is as "big" as others. I can attest to the fact that the reality of early child loss is incredibly painful, incredibly isolating and incredibly real. 💔

For me personally, the hardest part about our loss was the fact that my body didn't get the message to miscarry naturally. My body continued to grow the gestational sac, and produced all the usual hormones that caused me to have morning sickness, fatigue and even shortness of breath. I had hormonal acne, a baby bump.. the list goes on. So many indicators of a healthy pregnancy. Knowing my body could deceive me in this way was such a cruel feeling.

In the end, I had to receive medical intervention to speed the process along. I was at risk of infection, of losing my milk supply, and of losing my mind. I was constantly in fear that I would start having a miscarriage while at work or while I was out and about. I wouldn't leave the house alone unless I was just going down the street. It was a very stressful time in my life and something I can only hope to never have to go through again.

While the procedure itself went as well as one could hope, and the doctors and nurses treated me with so much care, this is still a trauma I will carry with me for a lifetime. As I was wheeled past a children's area of the hospital on my way to surgery I struggled to hold back my tears and thoughts of who this little baby could have been. A caring nurse must have sensed my pain, quickly trying to distract me with questions about M. I am so thankful for the level of empathy and understanding that was shown to me that day.

Moving forward I (we) would really appreciate it if friends and family could please refrain from asking questions about when we are planning to have another baby. I was asked this so many times during the two week wait to confirm our loss and it tore me up inside to try and keep a straight face and keep from bursting into tears. I know everybody means well and are just excited to see M have a sibling, but please be patient and wait for us to share the news when that day comes.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us on this journey. Your love and kindness means the world to us!

Until next time...

 Felicity ♡